Confidence is the default state of a human being and not something to be gained.
Since I can remember, I have always been quite an introverted person. It is quite difficult for me to be in extroverted situations, as I believe that I do not have the skills to talk to people even today.
To put it in a more Gen Z way “ I don’t have the rizz to light up the room”.
The solution to this was always fixing the external problems around me, gaining more money, reaching a higher position in a company, building muscle or buying a fancy car, etc. The solution was to gain respect from the external world to satisfy and RELIEVE my internal turmoil.
I spoke in the previous newsletter (linked below) on how we get trapped by societies expectations.
In the same way, we get trapped by societies opinions and thoughts on us.
Contrary to popular belief, confidence isn't something we need to gain – it's our default state.
Think about young children or animals. A toddler can barely walk or talk, yet they exude supreme confidence. Dogs typically approach humans happily, wagging their tails without a hint of self-doubt. This natural confidence is our baseline.
The real issue isn't a lack of confidence, but rather the accumulation of insecurity over time. We don't need to gain confidence; we need to unlearn insecurity.
Understanding Insecurity
As we grow up, we encounter experiences that chip away at our innate confidence. These experiences create what Sanskrit philosophy calls "samskaras" – undigested emotional experiences or nuggets of trauma that become embedded in our psyche.
I have spoken in detail about samskaras in the above newsletter and how it alters our thinking.
When we have a bad experience, like getting bitten by a dog as a kid, it can stick with us. This can make us feel afraid of dogs even years later. It's like our brain has a 'tape' of that experience, and it plays it again whenever we see a dog. This can color how we see the present, even if there's no real danger.
When classmates gave me a nickname like 'Grandpa/thatha,' it made me feel slow and unathletic. I started to believe that I wasn't good at running or sports. This made me feel less confident in myself.
These insecurities don’t allow you to see the world as it is. It gives you a coloured version of the world.
“Oh I will get made fun of”
“Oh someone is looking at me, they must think I am weird”
“Oh I think I wont be able to do this, I am not good enough:”
Fixing Insecurity
Given this understanding of how insecurity forms, we can see why many common confidence-building techniques have limited success.
All the advice in the world is action items (including this newsletter). Read this book, go to this seminar, apply this self-help activity, form a habit etc.
All of these only solve the symptoms of a problem, not the actual problem itself.
You can talk to a thousand people at parties, but if you're carrying around the belief that you're fundamentally unlikeable, each interaction will be colored by that core belief.
It is the mind controlling who YOU are, instead of you controlling the mind/ego.
Unlearning Insecurity: A Step-by-Step Approach
Unlearning Insecurity: A Step-by-Step Approach
So how do we begin to unlearn insecurity and return to our natural, confident state? Here's a process to get started:
Identify Your Last Confident State
Think back to the last time you felt genuinely confident. For most people, this will be sometime in the past 5-10 years. (In rare cases of very early trauma, it might be harder to recall a time of confidence.)
Pinpoint the Turning Point
Once you've identified your last confidence period, consider what changed. What experiences occurred between that time and when you began to feel insecure? Often, you'll be able to recall specific, emotionally charged events that had a significant impact on your self-perception.
Analyze the Experience
Examine these pivotal experiences closely. What did you feel in that moment? What beliefs about yourself did you form as a result? This step requires honest introspection and may bring up difficult emotions.
Recontextualize the Experience
Now, looking back with adult perspective, consider more appropriate conclusions you could have drawn from the experience. For instance, realizing that having a wet stain on your pants due to a leaky water bottle doesn't actually make you pathetic or worthy of ridicule.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
As you recontextualize these experiences, you may feel intense sadness or grief. This is normal and healthy. You're grieving for the years spent carrying false beliefs about yourself and the suffering that resulted. Allow yourself to feel these emotions fully – crying, in particular, can be a powerful way to process these stored feelings.
Notice Insecurity in the Moment
As you move forward, pay attention to moments when your insecurity surfaces. You might notice a little voice in your head saying things like "You're not worth being friends with" or "People don't like you." These are echoes of your past traumas resurfacing.
Pause and Reflect
When you notice these insecure thoughts arising, pause. Don't try to fight or overcome them. Instead, simply sit with the feeling and recognize it for what it is – an echo of past trauma, not an accurate reflection of reality.
Challenge the Thought
Remind yourself that what your mind is telling you in this moment isn't necessarily true. It's just the unprocessed emotion from past experiences bubbling up.
Set the Belief Aside
Ask yourself if you can set this belief about yourself aside for the moment. Can you try to enjoy the present situation despite the insecure thoughts?
Repeat and Practice
This process takes time and repetition. Each time you notice and challenge these insecure thoughts, you're helping to digest that nugget of trauma. Over time, the power of these thoughts will diminish, and you'll naturally begin to feel more confident.
While you can definitely work through this on your own, sometimes it's easier to have someone to guide you. A therapist can be a big help if you've been through a lot or are dealing with mental health issues. If you're mostly focused on overcoming negative thoughts and moving forward, a coach can be a great option.
Conclusion
Feeling confident is actually how we're supposed to feel. It's like taking off a heavy coat – it feels great to be free of it. To feel more confident, we need to get rid of the things that hold us back, like worries and negative thoughts.
This isn't about pretending to be someone you're not. It's about getting rid of the bad feelings you've built up over time.
The goal isn't to become a new person but to find the real you.
By understanding how negative feelings form, recognizing your own patterns, and working through these old emotions, you can slowly let go of them. This will help your natural confidence shine through. It's a journey of self-discovery and healing, leading to the real you.
Do not solve external problems to gain internal confidence even though they might help in some ways.
Regards
Skanda
This was such a good read! It's so true how we make things harder for ourselves due to the circumstances that we're in and it's important we unlearn those patterns